I can't find the strength to wake up in the morning.
Changing my perspective is always such a process.
I can't live without the growing pain in my chest.
Seeking out solutions, looking for conclusions.
I'm looking to the sky when I'm feeling hopeless;
waiting for the clock to tick in my direction.
Proximity is best when looking for a way out.
Thanking you for nothing, wishing I was something safe.
Sleeping with the lights on, aging with my own self-doubt.
Pessimistic thinking plagues the very though of change.
Nicotine induced dreams, insomniatic brain waves propel
my eventual demise and insecure relation with self.
I'm growing exhausted of just breaking even.
Fulfillment is nothing, I'll manage without it.
With each bout of panic, I pray it's my last. At least in death I won't have to remember the past.
Track Name: Cathedral
And did you find what you wanted? A third person perspective on one's thoughts and actions. A mere spectator in the event of being. I used to crave the silence, but now I can't seem to break away. It's come to define me in ways I could never understand. With hazy thoughts and even hazier delusions, I delve further into darkness. I find solace in the fact that one day it'll be over. But I can speed up what time will eventually accomplish. It's the one thing I can control.
I'm passing the time searching for that which I cannot possess. The truth. The same truth that can be only understood as a lie. Rooted entirely in what we couldn't possibly comprehend. With each breath at stake, I try to contemplate it's meaning, but wonder on a path that reveals it's circular nature.Piece by piece. The conclusion being one which we cannot attain. In knowing, we falsify. In ignorance, we validate. Willingly we hand over our capacity for thought, as we're guided to the answers we seek. In pursuit we stray further from the dead-end that claims no existence. And I can sleep soundly each night knowing I have nothing.
Track Name: Id
And if I had to do it again, I wouldn't. I would trade the loneliness, the guilt, the shame, and the fear for the darkness that would be, if it wasn't for life. I'd hold my soul to the fire and watch, as piece-by-piece, it fades into infinite blackness. My mind is forever plagued by the things I can't change, the people I've hurt, and the clarity I'll never regain. The day-to-day struggle is my vice in a world of unpredictability. I've learned to maintain it, care fr it, and nurture it. Like a flower blooming into regression, I am stable. I live if only to be. The idea of beauty is a lack of understanding. A mere illusion of coinciding factors simultaneously acting on one another, forming a misunderstood mirage of solace.
Synapses fire; leaving me feeling distraught. Cutting ties with reality. Sad days I look back on with a smile, while I'm stuck in my own head. Treading water; counting the seconds until my sanity collapses. Finding comfort in the darkest corners of my mind. And I know that it won't get better, when I still can't catch my breath.